I am taking a long, necessary break from any dating of any sort. I’ve found that until I take the time to actually evaluate what I’m putting out there (and what, inevitably, I receive), I am no longer allowed to date. The trouble I get into. The ridiculous drama that camps out in my life. The situations that web themselves into the utmost of complexity. Yeah, I need to back up.
I haven’t found a way to be both career-minded and relationship-ready. Inevitably, one suffers when the other one thrives. And I’m talking any type of relationship now. I’m talking about my friendships and my family and a potential romance. It all sort of… crumbles… when my mind is on work. Others strive for balance. I strive. And, I fail.
I was hanging out with a new group of friends the other night. Big talks about online dating. Then, the spotlight was on me. “So, Jamie, tell us about your love life.”
To which, I replied, “Well, I’m not really a… relationship person.”
They weren’t having that.
And, I wonder if I’m even HAVING that anymore? I read an interesting post about how commitment is liberating. I’ve always thought of it as imprisoning and suffocating. I’m not so sure where I stand anymore.
So, this confusion I’m facing about my dating life is why I need a break. I’ve been pretty firm in my belief that the people you are attracted to are a great mirror into your own beliefs about yourself. And, somehow, I’ve seemed to attract a whole gaggle of unavailable men, whether emotionally unavailable or actually committed to someone else. Two situations in particular took a turn for the ugly, even though nothing ever physically happened with either of the men. Still, lesson learned.
Even though I enjoy gushing about my crushes and analyzing them as if they are psych experiments, I need to say, “thank you, but no thank you” to this whole arena of my life. I just need some time to sort through these post-its in my head and tuck away the lessons I keep learning, but forgetting to adhere to. It’s impossible to ever truly grow without actually stopping and understanding where we’ve been, where we are, and where we’re going.
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Commitment can be liberating if wanting it is what is holding you back. Some people want that feeling of commitment because it can be a constant thing for them. No matter what, there is someone there. Without that some feel lost and will yearn for that feeling. It is always good to be self reliant but there comes a point or situation for everyone where you just want someone to be there with you. Whether it be a friend, family member or partner just having that feeling that someone is committed to you (and vice-versa) can be liberating.
The mistake most people make is thinking that the commitment will help them improve themselves. Well you may be able to learn and relate to things said or done by another person that alone will not help you grow. You need to work within yourself to have those things change you for the better. Once you are comfortable with all the other things in your life, then it is fine to let another person in to experience life with you on a more romantic level.
Very insightful. Thank you for sharing.
You need to work within yourself to have those things change you for the better.
You’re right. I needed to be reminded of this. Thank you.
I like Derek’s response… I’m with him on this one, especially the second paragraph.
I did too!
Thanks Mel…
I feel you on this one. I actually have two other competing parts to this which you might experience as well: friends and non-work activities. They’re all competing for my valuable time in addition to career and relationship. How do you best allocate your time?
Honestly, I have no idea. As soon as I get my fill of relationships I want fulfillment in my career. What ends up happening is that one goes at the expense of the other.
I know that probably doesn’t help. I guess what I’m trying to say is that I’m still looking for that balance. Who knows if I’ll ever achieve it?
By the way, based on what you posted I think you’ve just had some bad luck with guys. I hope you don’t totally shut yourself out to potential mates because there are some really interesting people out there. Good luck!
I’ll eventually go back out there. Right now, there’s a lot of stuff going on in my life, so I’m just backing off from letting romance complicate things.
But, knowing me, this dating hiatus won’t last too long!
Thank you for the response!
You can shoot from the hip (without aim or direction) or you can shoot from the front. When you aim for the former in dating the end result is a mish mash of misguided and sometimes awful experiences. It’s when we take time to reflect or do a “post mortem” from each date or experience is when we gain the most insight and growth.
I’m not so embarrassed or feel alone in giving up the dating scene. Focusing on my work and personal projects has renewed my faith and confidence that it’ll work out.
Thanks for sharing something I couldn’t quite articulate or write cohesively.
Wow, wonderful comment. Thank you so much for leaving this. I feel understood. =)
“Focusing on my work and personal projects has renewed my faith and confidence that it’ll work out. ” -exactly where I am at right now… glad to know others are in the same boat and maybe I’m not really lost or behind.
Can we ever be lost or behind if we’re following our hearts?