Last night, I had a total freak out over Italy, because, did you know, I leave one mother effing week from TODAY?! Today. As in, today. I’m actually freaking out just writing that. And, I know, I’m doing this crazy awesome thing and traveling without an end date or a plan or anything substantial, really, but that also means that it has set in now.
And, all I keep thinking is…
WTF AM I DOING!? WHY AM I DOING THIS? I’M LEAVING EVERYONE I LOVE BEHIND. I’M INSANE. CLINICALLY INSANE.
And, once I absolutely freak out, I begin to step back and realize that these moments that are so uncomfortable and heartbreaking are the ones where I’m actually DOING something, coming closer to who I am and what I stand for. Sure, when I think about canceling my plane ticket (which I won’t do, don’t worry) and staying behind, it feels like a nice and comfortable warm blanket. It feels, well, safe. And, while I’m not opposed to feeling safe, I’m definitely not in the place where what I need to do is find a way to settle down.
Not to be incredibly cliche and awkward, but I have some wild oats to sow. And, although, one week before I leave, my scared little self is trying ridiculously hard to get me to realize that what I’m doing is stupid, irresponsible, unnecessary, and so-very-typical of Jamie Varon (and that’s not a good thing, apparently), I am about to kick this sabotaging voice right in the freaking FACE. And then totally pwn it by getting on that damn plane for no reason other than I NEED TO FIGURE SOME SHIT OUT, MMMK? Is that all right with you scared little voice?
What I’m realizing, also, is that when you make a decision to do something that is scary and out of your comfort zone, you aren’t given rainbows and butterflies leading you right out of that zone. It’s a fight and a struggle to prove whether or not you were actually serious about making a change. I’m coming to expect that when I put my foot down and make a decision, I’m faced with every temptation there is in order to get me to falter. And, if I don’t falter? That’s when the real changes come along and when those changes are made to stick.
This is something important for us to learn and understand, because if we know we’ll be faced with tons of roadblocks on our road to a shift, then maybe we can navigate them better. Maybe we can be able to recognize when something is actually just a mirage in front of us, instead of the reality. Maybe we can know that a decision is imperative to our success in anything and once we choose a path, we have to fight to stay on it, even if the world/Universe is fighting for us to turn around and go back from where we came.
Use me as an example if you need to. Because, I might have made this decision to travel seem easy, but when the reality of me leaving has been sinking in, I’m a total nerve-racked, emotional, butterfly-in-stomach mess. And, really? I wouldn’t have it any other way. This constant state of freak out is all the proof I need to know that what I’m doing is exactly what I need to be doing.
{ 14 comments… read them below or add one }
Very seldomly do we grow in times of comfortable warm blanketry. Ignorance might be bliss, but it also makes you ignorant. Instead, little lady, you get to go to ITALY and eat gelato and speak broken Italian with men that (I’m sorry to be cliche) I’m going to assume are all hot and beautiful. You’ll learn new customs and traditions, you’ll blog and take pictures of things that will make everyone stateside uberly jealous, and most importantly you’ll add yet another dimension to the personality you have that already kicks ass.
PS – I speak like I know, I totally would have puked a bajillion times in stress filled butterfly in the stomach fear by now! :p
“What I’m realizing, also, is that when you make a decision to do something that is scary and out of your comfort zone, you aren’t given rainbows and butterflies leading you right out of that zone. It’s a fight and a struggle to prove whether or not you were actually serious about making a change.”
YES. Yes, yes, yes. Such a mature and insightful thought, Jamie, and I’m so glad that you’re able to work through all of this on your blog before you go to Italy (TO ITALY!!), to understand that change isn’t a grand transformation, but a struggle, which is what makes it entirely worth it in the end.
I know that I mention France a lot in my comments to you, but that’s only because I’m in such awe as to how similar our journeys seem to be. I remember I wrote on my blog about getting frisked by airport security, missing my connecting flight and my subsequent train, and how I cried. A LOT. And my best friend left a comment saying that she would have gotten on the next plane and come right home. But I didn’t. I couldn’t. Because this was a trip about leaving my comfort zone, about pushing through fear, about realizing what I was capable of and finding myself. What would I have learned if I gave up? What stories would I have missed out on? The experience would be worth it, I convinced myself. And it was.
You are capable of so much yourself, Jamie. You’re going to grow and change and realize a strength you never even knew was possible. And when someone says, “so you went to Italy, huh?” You’re going to say “yup.” And when they ask who you went with, you’re gonna say “no one.” And they’re gonna be in awe of you. Just like we already are. And when you get there and grow more comfortable, you’re going to look around and be in awe of yourself.
Rock on, Italy.
Oh AT – DON’T LEAVE!!! Just kidding. DO leave, because I know what an amazing experience this is going to be for you. I completely admire your balls-out approach to life. It is contagious.
See you in MAAAHNACO, daahhhhling!
You guys should really start cupcake tweetups in Italy. They are the best!!!
I know how it feels to suddenly be separated from your best friend. Kind of sucks, but at the same time, I think the relationships only strengthens.
Much Love!
- Jun
Clearly you already know how I feel about all of this, haha.
I love that last line. Love it. If it weren’t for those freak outs, would we ever know we’re doing the right thing?
I love the last line too. I think it’s great you are traveling. Someday, we are going to bike across the country. Hopefully, sooner rather than later.
The times I feel most uncomfortable are the times I have learned the most. So even though your big trip is scary, I think you will learn a lot and love every minute of it.
You might enjoy this site: http://pathlesspedaled.com/
Hugs…
Hey, leaving everyone you love behind can be a great thing. Not that you don’t love them
but it teaches you a lot. I think you will grow a ton from it. And you will have an amazing time!!!
Hey, Jamie. I know what you’re going through. I just moved abroad (to Russia) earlier this week after several months of planning. It’s my first time living abroad. I was seriously freaking out before I left. And honestly, I’m STILL freaking out now that I’m here.
The way I think of it is: I’ll never know unless I try. So, crossing my fingers for you (and myself!) that the adventure is worth it!
- Eve
Discomfort is definitely a good sign! It points to growth.
This trip will change your life for sure. A new perspective is always good.
Not to sound harsh or critical, but you’re only leaving for a few months. I mean, I know a lot of people who have joined the Peace Corps, which puts you in a rural town somewhere in Africa/Asia/Latin America for TWO YEARS. So many people study abroad for much longer than this, and many people in the international development do fieldwork abroad in horrifying situations – war and conflict zones, regions of utter poverty, and places without modern conveniences. Read the book “Emergency Sex” to learn about the world of international aid workers.
Again, I don’t mean to be critical. But you are going to Italy. A beautiful country with all you could ever need – not a developing country. And it’s only a few months. Don’t worry. You will be fine! It’s not the end of the world.
I know I’ll be fine… that’s not the point.
It’s a big move for me. And I don’t even know if it will be only a few months… it’s completely up in the air. And, I’m allowed to react how I want to without having to base it off of other people’s adventures. Everyone has their own levels of discomfort and I’m sure people who have joined the Peace Corps, gone to study abroad, etc… have all gone through their own periods of freak outs. Maybe they don’t blog about it, but I do. And I don’t think there’s anything wrong with having a reaction to something major in my life.
Sheesh, lighten up. You think too much.
Again, MY blog, can say what I want. If I didn’t think as much as I did, you’d have nothing to read. Thanks for stopping by and enjoying my over-thinking.