People tell me that they admire the risks I take. They admire that I can quit a job after two weeks, build a site that continues to get me crazy publicity, and then start my own business. My mom can’t believe that I make these types of things happen time and time again. I just go for it in terms of my career and hardly let in a moment of doubt.
But, you know what I admire? I admire people who fall in love. People who are in real relationships. People who get married. People who stay married. People who don’t see a relationship as imprisonment, but more as fulfillment.
(photo by kimberlyfaye)
Yes, great, my career is taking off. But, these are not tough risks for me to take. They never have been. I understand they are for other people and I truly respect that; I am sensitive to that, of course.
But, here’s what I think. I think people who are falling in love and putting themselves out there and online dating and letting people love them are taking bigger risks than I am. Way bigger. I’m risking failure and maybe looking like an idiot and potentially ruining my career. You’re risking your heart. That’s terrifying to me.
And, you may brush it off because it feels natural and comfortable for you to be in a relationship. But, let me tell you that for me (and probably some others), it’s not natural or comfortable. Taking ridiculous risks in my career? So natural. I thrive there. That’s practically easy.
Even so much as coming close to a relationship? Oh, god. Don’t be my best friend when this is happening. Don’t even be my best friend when I have an inkling of a crush. I’m not sane. I’m so annoying that I annoy myself.
And, I take no risks. I convince myself I’ve taken risks, but then I realize I fell for a guy with a girlfriend or I chased after a guy that kissed me, but whom I knew was so emotionally unavailable I might as well been pursuing a monk. And, I think by never kissing the guy with a girlfriend that I’m somehow not morally bankrupt. And, I convince myself that when this other guy hands me a rose on our walk home, then kisses me in his bedroom, I’ve somehow taken a leap. No. Guy had a girlfriend: he was easy to like. Guy with the rose: I left the day after we spent the night together to go on a trip in Europe for ten days. I didn’t even wake him up to say bye.
This is how I take risks.
So, if you have at all envied what I’ve done with my career, just know I envy you because, chances are, you’re better at love than I am. Just because tons of people couple up all the time doesn’t make it any less significant. And, in my little world, I’m so awestruck that people are in relationships at all.
Love is a battlefield and I’m never the one on the front lines. I’m always the sniper in the mountains, looking for a target, but only seeing ones miles away. Compared to me, you’re better at love. And, truly, I think that’s all that matters in the end.
{ 48 comments… read them below or add one }
Jamie: Excellent post. and great timing…I can truly identify with this today (and in fact wrote a post a bit similar for my own blog but left it in my drafts folder; talk about being brave…). Truth be told, I’m terrified of love, even though I’ve been there before and even though I know I’ll be there again. Like you, I can take all sorts of (calculated) risks — But when it comes to the heart, I kind of close myself off, afraid of what it means to be vulnerable, creating distance, wondering what I’ll do to mess it up before it begins.
The thing I know and try to tell myself, though, is that love is just like any other risk. It takes strength and courage and a whole lot of trust and faith in another person. But maybe that’s the thing. Maybe we’re so used to being dependent on ourselves that we convince ourselves that we’re happy with the way things are. That way when someone comes into our lives, we’re entirely unprepared and kind of fight the urge to flee before we get hurt.
I wish I had an answer or some advice for you, but I am so there. I think the first stages of love can be frightening to anyone, though, no matter how good it is. But that’s part of the excitement, too. I also think that life has a funny way of teaching you lessons, and that hopefully there will be that one person that shows you what it means to take that big risk after all.
Hang in there, Jamie. Great post, thanks for saying what I couldn’t.
Maybe we’re so used to being dependent on ourselves that we convince ourselves that we’re happy with the way things are. That way when someone comes into our lives, we’re entirely unprepared and kind of fight the urge to flee before we get hurt.
This is it. Exactly it. And, no need for advice. I’ll know that someone is right when the urge to stay outweighs the urge to flee. And, you will too. I think.
My husband and I never fell in love. We decided we wanted to be in love. It was a choice. And we are madly in love now. And when I read what you wrote today, I think of myself because I wasn’t brave enough for the concept of love everyone kept trying to sell me but I was brave enough to change my own rules when it came to love. And maybe you just need to change the rules again to something that works for you. There is no one size fits all rule when it comes to the heart.
You know, Dorie – changing the rules so it works for me is such an amazing nugget of advice.
Thank you.
Great post Jamie! Very vulnerable and real perspective on an issue that a lot of us face in varying degrees.
Thank you. It’s incredibly difficult for me to be vulnerable, but it’s the space I need to be in. It’s the only thing that helps me grow, otherwise I get too safe. And, nothing great happens when I’m playing it safe. Thanks for reading!
Wow Jamie, this is so beautifully written, and I admire your openness and honesty. It seems like you’re better at accomplishing your professional goals than your personal goals. You can put yourself out there for a job, but you can’t put your heart on the line.
Maybe you will eventually be able to see it this way: Searching for the job you really want is just like searching for love. Both require time and effort. On your journey, you will likely fail at least once, probably more. You have to take risks and do things you’ve never done before in order to reach your goal. But, once you get there, once you get the job or find someone you truly care about, who truly cares about you, you’ll see that it was all worth it.
You can do it, you will do it, but just like finding the perfect job, recognize that finding love will probably take a while. Just be patient and have faith in yourself.
I have failed at love. And, I have won at love as well. It’s never quite matched up really well and I think that’s where this post was coming from. And, I like that I’m fearful of something. It keeps me in check. And, I think at one point, I will be willing to take those risks that are necessary. Thanks for the thoughtful reply.
Love is the hardest thing in life I’ve encountered so far. Hard isn’t even the word; I’m not sure there is a word for it.
I broke up with my boyfriend of two and a half years on the weekend, and I moved 100km away.
I still love him, but I know if I stay with him he could possibly ruin my chances of succeeding in all those other “easy” things because he doesn’t find them easy at all.
The thing about love is that it’s never just love. By the time you get to the point when you know you’re in love, you have to start making everything else about your lives work together and sometimes it just doesn’t. Sometimes you work and they don’t, or the other way around.
I think love is so hard because it makes us question who we are, what we stand for and what we want out of life. It sounds like you’re pretty sure of yourself, and I know I am too, so love is terrifying and, once we encounter it, somewhat excruciating. It seems impossible to be in love and yourself at the same time because, yes, love does crazy things to us.
It also forces us to compromise, re-evaluate ourselves and do things we never thought we would.
I hate myself for this, but I think I dealt with my mother dying better than I dealt with the end of this relationship (which came long before I actually left).
Good luck with your heart. Maybe if we all keep talking about it we’ll learn something from each other. Then again, probably not.
Cassandra – thank you for sharing this story about yourself. I really appreciate that you opened up here.
I think love is so hard because it makes us question who we are, what we stand for and what we want out of life. It sounds like you’re pretty sure of yourself, and I know I am too, so love is terrifying and, once we encounter it, somewhat excruciating.
Nothing to add here, except that you hit it. Right on the head.
Jamie, this is a beautiful post. My situation is very different, but I can still relate to what you’re saying. After I got divorced, I didn’t believe there was a point in searching for genuine love, let alone reconsidering marriage. But I eventually learned that walking away from love and marriage, and washing my hands of it, wasn’t the way to heal. Often, redeeming the hard, scary, most difficult parts of life involves throwing ourselves into them again, from a different angle with a new perspective.
I know you didn’t write this post in hopes of getting all kinds of advice about how to allow yourself to be loved—that’s something you can’t really be taught. You have to work through it in your own way, in your own time. But it can help to hear other stories and perspectives, that might help you re-frame your own.
One of the things I’ve come to really love about marriage, or being in a solid relationship, is that there’s amazing freedom within form—ironically more freedom than you have when everything is wide open to you. Wendell Berry wrote a great essay about freedom in form, in relation to both marriage and poetry. I’ll have to hunt it down and let you know which book it’s in. But if you start thinking of the many analogies—the other aspects of life where some form gives you more freedom—I think you’ll begin to see how and why it’s true.
I truly do believe that in commitment there is freedom. And, I think that’s why I don’t jump into relationships easily – I never feel the freedom possibility. I always see myself feeling tied down or trapped with whoever I might be dating. And, so I flee.
And, either I’m not ready for commitment or I just haven’t found a great person to commit to, I guess it doesn’t matter. I think what I see here within all the comments is that most people believe that when it’s right, it won’t feel like a trap and it will be worth the risk.
Guess I just need to wait and see.
Thanks for sharing Kristin. I appreciate it!
Mmm. I appreciate the honesty of this post. Love takes patience, humility, honesty, commitment, and certainly, courage. But I think it’s mostly about mustering up the courage to take such a leap with a person who is worth it. With that said, I probably wouldn’t say that I am braver in love or better at love than you are; I just found someone who pursued me and eventually convinced me to take the leap. Thankfully, he’s been patient with me as I awkwardly figure out how to love him. Three years in, I still have my moments of insecurity. In these moments, I choose to take a deep breath and plow through because whether I live happily ever after with this man or not, my life has been enriched by learning how to love him.
Thankfully, he’s been patient with me as I awkwardly figure out how to love him.
That’s an amazing sentence.
And I’m happy you have found someone that is patient with you – because, obviously, you’re worth convincing! Thanks Akirah for opening up!
the thing that sucks though is what if you open up your heart to someone and you know in your heart that they are “the one” for you, but you’re not “the one” to them…that’s when it really hurts…when you come to that realization…
i’d be interested in reading the Wendell Berry essay talked about above though…that sounds interesting
sorry i’m scatter brained this morning =)
anyways, i liked your post jamie…never thought about it from that perspective…it’s really easy for me to love and be loved, but i did recently just get out of a relationship that through me for a loop and i’m still trying to figure things out.
Yeah – the opening up part is pretty terrifying for me.
Consider yourself fortunate – not all of us feel it’s so easy to love and be loved. =) Thanks for the comment.
Jamie, you totally struck a heart string here! It’s so interesting, we can all take risks in different areas of life that are moving and powerful to others, but to us are second nature (ie: the career leaps you’ve taken) vs. falling in love.
I have to say, that love and relationships are always a huge risk. You never know what may happen and there is some serious elation and happiness, coupled with pain and frustration no matter what. I feel you on this and although I’ve embraced love before and been in relationships, right now, I feel the same way as you. Putting yourself out there–is it setting yourself up for vulnerability? However, I have to say that sometimes our greatest moments are dark and passionate vulnerability. It can’t all be righteous, the good with the bad I like to say.
I’m happy you shared this. I think you ARE the brave one here. Thanks for your honesty.
However, I have to say that sometimes our greatest moments are dark and passionate vulnerability.
Beautiful.
And thanks for your comment – I know that just by writing this post, I feel a bit relieved and unburdened. Which is awesome.
I love you Jamie. And when you meet a guy that is worthy of that tremendous risk, he is going to be one lucky duck. And, it may not work out the way you plan – but odds are, the only thing you will regret are the tears.
Lucky duck. Hehe.
The one worth the risk. That’s a definite commonality in the comments.
First off I find it interesting that 8 out of the 10 posts are from girls. Maybe thats normal for your site, but it just caught my eye. (Sorry I pay attention to weird details sometimes.)
The idea of love was never “risky” to me. It was natural. Saw a cute girl in college, asked her out, dated for 3yrs, married her 5 days after we graduated and we’re still happy together. I’m 31 and just celebrated my 10yr anniversary with her.
Same thing with my career. Went to my first job fair in 1998, got my 1st job, worked there 7yrs, was called up by a friend and offered a job to work for his startup, been doing that for 3yrs.
Your post made me realize that I haven’t taken ANY real risks. At first I thought this was pathetic, but then reflected a bit more and thought, “who cares”. Life shouldn’t be defined by the number of risks you takes. But should be by how you view yourself in your journey. There is no equation.
My only advice is that you just gotta jump in head first in all aspects of life, welcome it, be inebriated by it. If I were you, the next time you see a guy you’re checking out, just go right up to him and pull a Will Smith in Hitch…”Hi, I’m Jamie Varon. Wanna go surfing on Saturday?” Or something totally out there. Any way just a little guys perspective there.
Also, thanks. Unlike many out there, your post made me stop and think, and I appreciate that.
What!? You have taken risks. Don’t sell yourself short. Sometimes I feel like just waking up in the morning and getting dressed is a risk. Oh wait, it is.
Invite out to surfing. Got it. Time to take the leap.
Thanks for the comment Chaalz!
Wow – I’m in love with this post and the comments! How’s that for dropping the L-bomb? Thank you for writing about a topic I so often struggle with too. Of all things unpredictable and mysterious in life, love definitely tops the list (for me, at least). I may fall in love two weeks from now, or two years. It’s weird not having any clue – but that’s what keeps life exciting I guess
.
Chaalz, even though it’s not totally love-related, I really appreciated what you said about “Life shouldn’t be defined by the number of risks you take. But should be by how you view yourself in your journey. There is no equation.”
Love is very mysterious and I feel like it’s one of the only things we have very little control over. And, I know that for me, that’s a huge issue. But, you’re right, it is exciting. In a scary way. Haha.
First I want to say that you should stop writing posts that tear yourself down. I understand that you are just trying to be open and honest with your readers, but I think you are downplaying your accomplishments too much. We all have times where we feel vulnerable, and maybe this post was just a way to work through those feelings. But you have killed it in the career and publicity departments. You should not be ashamed or underestimate your success! There are several people who brag relentlessly about much less.
Also, about being brave in love, I think that most who are in a great relationship would agree with Chaalz. They would say that they didn’t take a risk at all because they found someone who makes them truly happy. I am still under the assumption that love should be easy and not feel like a risk. I feel that if the two of you are meant to be together, things will feel natural, almost like it is more of a risk to be without each other.
One thing that I have learned from my past relationships is that love can not be forced. If you force a relationship into another level, it could possibly hold together for the near term. However, those differences will manifest themselves in unhealthy and relationship-ending ways in the future.
Jamie, maybe the perfect person for you is zigzagging down Lombard St. at this very moment. You just need to keep yourself open to the possibility. Who knows, maybe once you meet the right person, a relationship might not seem like such a risk.
I give myself credit, don’t worry. This wasn’t me selling myself short, but it was more a very honest take on something I struggle with. Struggle isn’t weakness; it’s humanity.
But, yes, the love of my life is probably in San Francisco just waiting for me to get the hell out of my parents house. =)
Love shouldn’t be associated with work. They envolve different kind or risks. Work is about decisions, and the risks that those decisions mean.
Love is about…….living. There’s no decision there, no avoiding risks. No learning, no right or wrong, no shield, no college for it.
No one sucks at it, no one’s good at it either. That’s like saying some people breathe better than others. What i love about love, is that it’s invulnerable to all our attempts to understand it.
That’s what keeps it pure. That’s what’s awesome about it. That’s why we are all equally great at it. Even if we can’t see it sometimes.
That’s why we are all equally great at it.
Your perspective is truly unique. Thank you for sharing.
What an interesting perspective. I do envy your drive and ability to take risks effortlessly and think supercreatively in your career.
I have always – and not always wisely, I might add – risked more in love than I have in my career. MUCH MUCH MORE. Love means everything to me…career…eh, not so much. In some ways, maybe that was detrimental to me, since I consider myself to be so “behind” others my age in terms of career/income. But then again, growing up with a workaholic father probably played a huge part in me NOT being all that careerminded.
I could psychoanalyze myself for days with this stuff. I suppose that’s part of the allure of blogs, isn’t it…?
It seems you and I are on the opposite sides of this spectrum. I wish I could risk more in love and less in career. It’s a constant battle I have with myself.
Psychoanalyze away. Blogging is a whole hell of a lot cheaper than therapy.
Very true. I’ve spent waaaay too much money on therapy over the years.
Jamie, I love this post and I really enjoyed the comments that follow.
I feel that through loving someone and being loved, we understand ourselves a little better in the process. Isn’t that what we’re all trying to do here? We blog, we analyze ourselves, and we try to articulate who we are as a person. It’s risky, it’s vulnerable, but I think it also helps us grow.
Thanks for writing this.
Yes – the vulnerability does help us grow and I hope by writing these things I WANT to keep to myself, I will find some answers to the questions I have.
By putting it out in the open, I may see some clarity.
Thank you for the comment.
I too am a sniper. And emotionally unavailable men are my favorite. As you know, we seek what we are. And we receive what we are. The minute we truly become available is the minute someone else who is truly available will appear. Perhaps we are soley learning about ourselves right now, and that’s okay. It just means we will have a clearer idea of what kind of love we are willing to experience freedom within once it arives. I am as frustrated with this obvious notion as you are. But, I believe that love is on the way at all times, just waiting for me to surrender. Your post truly comese from a place of honesty, which is a huge gamble in a world where so many people refuse to demonstrate it with fragility. Thanks for being so real. It’s moving and inspiring.
But, I believe that love is on the way at all times, just waiting for me to surrender.
I agree there. And I agree with your entire comment. Thank you for sharing this. It was encouraging, especially since it was a difficult post to write and especially publish.
I love it! (I’m slightly behind in keeping up to date with your posts) I feel like you’re speaking to me–I’m going apt hunting this weekend (to move in with the bf!). I can’t believe I’m this giddy….So NOT me. <3
Ok, never would have thought you would be moving in with a BF anytime soon! But I’m happy for you. You give me hope. =)
I feel similarly. It’s always surprising to me when people tell me that something I’ve done is brave. The things I do that seem “brave” aren’t the things I’m scared of.
We’re very similar in that way, it seems. The things people keep telling me were so brave and bold don’t seem so in my eyes. Do you ever feel like the things you are so scared of are the things you should be doing? I feel that way. Thanks for the comment, Laurie!
Jamie, after reading your blog I have become impressed about the risks you have taken and the determination to achieve what you personally desire. I want to say that you are an entrepreneur, and sometimes the job title holds losing connections with family and friends and possibly not finding the ‘true love’. But let me say one thing, you seem satisfied with your ventures and to me you have found what you love.
wow. can I just say you it home for me. careers are so easy are never risk taking to me either… but love? ohhhhhhh…. love. yeah, get me out of that room. I don’t ever know what to do, although, I think I do sometimes. only fooling myself.
What a great piece- thank you for sharing! They say all things happen for a reason, and I was meant to read this right now!
I believe I feel the same way about love, and it is hard to balance the “traditional” way of things like… school, work, marriage, babies, etc., with all the other things we strive for- so we either make ourselves FIND love, even if we really DON’T love- or we keep love away, and succeed somewhere else… crazy stuff.
I am sure that the right things do always come along, and it won’t be at a time where anyone expects it… best of luck to you and thank you for sharing this story with all of us..
I recently came across your blog and read all the way back to this post, which caught my eye. Then the comments caught my eye. Then I read Carlos and some words which I have an issue with:
“Love is about…….living. There’s no decision there, no avoiding risks. No learning, no right or wrong, no shield, no college for it.
No one sucks at it, no one’s good at it either. That’s like saying some people breathe better than others. What i love about love, is that it’s invulnerable to all our attempts to understand it.”
Question: have you ever heard a person say something eerily similar to this about anything else? I have. In many cases, it’s a lack of understanding which turns something into this otherworldly myth, one of great mystery and no way to grasp what’s going on.
Why do I say this? You can learn from your past, you can learn from people who have found love, you can learn from books, you can learn from the Internet, and you can change how you approach love. Things will get better if you see the patterns and follow them.
If you approached your love life the same way you managed your business you would find someone amazing. You just wrote a post titled “Ignore the critics and do whatever the hell you need to do.” Why aren’t you applying that to your love life? Why are you selling yourself so short, so easily?
I can say today, at the age of 28, I have found someone I’m thrilled to be getting married to. I can say that in the decade of relationships and dating which led up to meeting her I went through plenty of horrible moments in relationships. You ready?
First I was afraid to ask girls out. Shot down, shot down, bang bang yer dead Johnny! Then one is all over me and it’s a year of bliss followed by a confusing breakup I’ll never understand (and I’m thankful I’m not with her anymore). My next girl and I argued constantly. She even tried to kick the crap outta me one day. After a short college flings, I used the Internet to find a girl who eventually stalked me across the country and had moments where she treated me like dirt long after we broke up, because she expected me to act like her man. This all culminates with the woman I got engaged to… before my current fiancee. I turned into her emotional punching bag as she couldn’t stand her cushy yet low paying job while she racked up absurd amount of credit card debt (which I didn’t know about until the end), dumped our two lovely dogs on me to take care of, and nagged if I didn’t clean the kitchen floor if she thought it was dirty before it got to the point where she thought it was dirty.
Me? I failed each one of those ladies miserably in one way or another. They could all tell you horrible things about how I used to be. Each new relationship taught me how I needed to be for me to be happy with someone. At some point in college I started reading stuff on relationships, and it took me five years to grasp who *I* needed to be to be in a happy relationship. That’s the hardest part. Once you can do that, you just have to find the person who wants someone like you while being crazy about them yourself. It may take you weeks or years to find this person.
However, if you refuse to treat your search for love in any way different than you run your business, you are heading straight for the same end-result you’re looking at right now.
Good luck and have fun!
“To fear love is to fear life, and those who fear life are already three parts dead.” – Bertrand Russell
After being in the most rewarding relationship I’ve ever had, learning and growing so much, hurting and being hurt, I realize that I need love. Crave it. Delight in. Live for it. If I didn’t technically have it, I’d convince myself I did when it was just a crush.
For me, there is no more rewarding experience. I’m still a bit closed when it comes to the people I want to open up to the most, but as I make openness more a way of life for me, I find it a tad easier.
This is such an emotionally raw piece…that I can totally identify with. I moved all over the country, once just because, and once to experience love, but when I got there, was challenged with opening up. So I get it. But the more you do it, the better you get at it.
I am in such a different situation. I tried love and do love- and married- my best friend whom I was and still am attracted to but we just don’t see life in the same way anymore- and haven’t- maybe since the beginning. We have two darling small children- and I realized I am inlove with another person whom I met the year I married- what a connection at a different level- undeniably fills me- but resides in another continent- in the end- would it work- with this soulmate that makes me feel as though I am at home and floating in the stars at the same time- I dont think it would work. And of course, what about the children- so – this becomes very complicated and remains an enigma. Yes, I am beautifully attractive and accomplished- but not in the best predictament. In the end- I beilieve- no matter what life brings us- we must be true to ourselves and love one another even if there is a shimmer of pain.
I came across this blog when searching on the net on love and how do you know i
when it really is love etc …. I mean for sure! its a great blog so thanks Jamie!
I think I am similar in a way I find it so much easier to take risks at work then I do in relationships! Worst part of it is I kid myself that im not scared of love infact I somtimes think thats all I really want to find but when I meet a great guy I will always find an excuse for it not to work or I will fall head over heels for the guy who is not available … again as much as I had to admit it .. its a way getting out of it.
I was with a great guy for 2 years and we finished about 4 years ago (I ended it.. because of the fear I guess) …, he hasnt given up on us still to this day even though we both have gone and had relationships with other people.
I have been thinking alot about it and I feel that I need to take leap and put my faith in him and reading what you and the others have put in here have kind of made me feel ’safer’ about it. I think what we have to realise is that you will never be 100% sure maybe only 50% or more of less but I imagine that finding out the rest of that 50% is part of being in a relationship and finding it together… its amazing how much can go in to it .. I just hope we all find it x
Hai Jamie,
Nice blog. I am here in a very difficult situation. & searching for how to get back my love again. My love & me met 2 years before. and we were engaged & dating in our beutiful relation. some misunderstandings made small issues,& it bocme a big conflict between us. and on that time i dont know that where relation is going on. now i am missing very much in my life. and i want to again in my life. dont know how to speak with him.
sometimes i have a hope that he will surely get back in my life. but he have in a strong will power. find to need how this happened.
Swetha.
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