Consistently, daily, every minute, I worry that everyone will find out that I’m an impostor. That I’m not really as great as people say I am (or maybe as great as my mom says I am, who knows). I take it all to heart: the good and the bad. I want to ravage through every opinion of me and let each one be evidence for the beliefs I have about myself.
I want to know the truth about my skill level and talents. Doesn’t everyone?
I’m a full time graphic designer now. It’s official. I have started my own business and it’s working. Yet, I have this insecurity about designing that I am attempting to shake. Because, I think that one day someone is going to point it out that I am a fraud, that this isn’t something I can do professionally, that somehow everyone who enjoys my work is actually being fooled.
And, the other day, Erica pointed out that I may very well be suffering from the Impostor Syndrome. Which is basically a very fancy schmancy name for someone who believes that:
Regardless of what level of success they may have achieved in their chosen field of work or study or what external proof they may have of their competence, those with the syndrome remain convinced internally they do not deserve the success they have achieved and are actually frauds. Proof of success is dismissed as luck, timing, or as a result of deceiving others into thinking they were more intelligent and competent than they believe themselves to be.
This occurs in me most especially with design. I have no reference point. I didn’t take classes in design; I’m self-taught. I don’t have my peers to compare myself to, so I can say, “Wow, I’m learning fast,” or “I do stand out as a designer.” And, everyone I have talked to about this has confided that they, in their own lives, have a version of this syndrome playing out.
This makes me wonder if so many of us are compensating for where we feel we’re falling short. Or, in actuality, are we really falling short or are we just assuming we are? Is this what separates the successful from the not: the ability to internalize achievements and know, 100%, that they are worth the success they have earned?
Or, is this feeling of being an “impostor” propel us to work harder? Is it really just a way to say, “Hey, you have more to learn and more room to grow, so keep at it”?
Maybe it’s that consistent fear of fraudulence that makes us willing to fight. And keeps us passionate. And keeps us continuing on, because when we have something to prove to ourselves, we’re fueled by an infinite amount of kerosene. I’m not fully convinced that striking away the fear of being found out an impostor is the answer.
What else will keep us motivated? Won’t we stop climbing once we get to the top?
Sure, I want to internalize my achievements, but I also never want to stop reaching further. So, maybe for now, I’ll continue believing I’m a fraud and possibly worry when I come to the conclusion that yes, I have reached success. Because, once I reach success, where will I go from there?
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WOW. What a great post. Any of us that runs their own business feel this way though – you’re not alone. The best thing you can do is just be thankful for the position you are in and keep doing your very best to keep it going! Really wonderful post.
Thanks Tom, I really appreciate the comment. It’s nice to know that you can relate!
I feel this way all of the time, too. I’ve managed to obtain some degree of success by writing for the web. And people seem to enjoy what I write. But I worry — irrationally — that people will discover I’m an impostor. The crazy thing is that in order for people to discover that I’m an impostor, I would have to discover it myself. I guess the problem is, as you mentioned, that I don’t see what I’ve done that deserves more attention than other people. Why me? I’ve begun to relax and just accept it, but all the same…sometimes I worry that I’ll wake up to realize I’ve just been fooling myself. (Found you via Chris Guilleabeau.)
Oh, J.D., how I completely understand everything you just said. I always think, “why me?” What do I do that is so different from so many other people? It’s tough, but like you said – maybe it is a matter of just accepting it. And, I wouldn’t say that 82,000+ subscribers to your blog is “some degree of success.” =)
You totally stole this blog post from someone else didn’t you?
I totally thought you were serious for a second. My heart raced. And then I realized it was a joke. Haha. =)
I felt this way all the way through my design career as well. Here’s what I learned. Forget about it. There is no absolute scale for design talent. You can’t really compare one designer to another, except on a very broad level. So worrying if you are a “real designer” or not gets you nowhere.
A better goal is to just become the best designer *you* can become, whatever that means. And then make the goal of your business to find people who specifcally need *your style* of design. This might be your unique visual style, the way you work, or just your personality/attitude.
Daniel – your comment is amazing – especially where you say that I need to find people who specifically like my style of design. That’s the conclusion I’ve come to as well. Just as anything else, design is a type of art and I want people to hire me based on our similar artistic interests. Or, like you said, the way I work, my style or my personality.
Thanks for your insight – I had forgotten about this key component to my business.
I like when your posts take me down memory lane.
One day a buddy and I were discussing a design for a product that’s similar to an Apple TV/DVR/MP3 player device. The conversation got heated (cause he kept saying “no that won’t work”) and I finally angrily yelled out “F*&% Apple, they don’t have a monopoly on creativity”. At that moment we both realized that what separated us from the big boys wasn’t that they had lots of resources and we didn’t, but rather, they were doers and we were just thinkers. We kept getting distracted by the size of the mountain we were about to climb instead of just starting to climb. He moved to another job and now the product designs are just sitting in a folder in my office.
So for me, I felt like an impostor since I didn’t really attempt to launch the product. Talk is cheap and thats all that many people do. For you, I wouldn’t use the word impostor (unless you ARE claiming something that is specifically untrue). You’ve done graphic design (for money) so you ARE a graphic designer. Period.
I also don’t think achievement has anything to do with it. Patrick Ewing was one of the best basketball players, but never won a championship. There were players on the Bulls that won championship after championship but rarely played. Who would we say is the real impostor? (in our use of the term here)
Sure I get that all of a sudden lots of great things started happening to you, but its not luck. YOU launched those sites, YOU put yourself out there, YOU embraced every opportunity that came your way. Kudos to you for creating your own success and inspiring others to at least try to do the same.
Wow, Chaalz, thank you for this comment. You put some things into perspective for me – especially with the story about doers and thinkers. It doesn’t seem I can really call myself an impostor if I’m actually doing something.
I appreciate your insight and look forward to more of your comments!
Excellent post… Perhaps it’s a good thing? Getting to the point where you think you’re a “big deal” is the point at which you’re no longer striving to learn more, push your limits, and impress people with what you can do. Doubt yourself all you want, just don’t stagnate!
Don’t stagnate! Yes, exactly. You’re right. Thanks for the reminder, Dave.
The problem with worrying about who you are is that you spend a lot of time deciding who you AREN’T. It’s troublesome. I don’t believe in Imposter Syndrome b/c it just sounds like another branch from the world of self-doubt. We all suffer from it from time to time. Are you going to be ridiculous and write off everything as (undeserved) luck or just thank your lucky stars and move on with abandon? I rather spend time trying to figure out what to do with what has been given to me then wallowing in the fear that comes with being successful.
Raven – great insight here. I actually used to spend a lot of time trying to decide who I was from who I wasn’t. It exhausted me. I spend significantly less time doing that now. It’s freeing and the only reason this impostor syndrome kept coming up was that I could not genuinely be happy for the success I was having. Or, I was just plain fearful all the time about whether or not I was a competent designer. It actually hindered my process.
So, in that sense, I think I do need to figure out what’s at the base of it – and of course, it’s straight from the book of self-doubt. And, I’m sure just acknowledging it and realizing it’s there will help fight it off.
Thanks for your comment!
Some great points Jamie.
It’s the difference between those who are naturally gifted in a particular area, and one who needs to go to school for it. However, being honest with one’s self could be the final determinant. Of course, if people have been lying to themselves the whole time, they sometimes don’t see the REAL truth (unless they really do and their just a plain lier/impostor).
Whose to really know?
*Jared
Who is to really know? Sometimes I think I’m just being honest with myself when, really, I’m just being completely dishonest and overly critical.
Though, our reality is completely subjective, so there can’t be an absolute truth to what we believe about ourselves and the world. Those beliefs shape how we view everything. But, that’s getting super philosophical. =)
Sometimes I wonder if it really matters. Sure, you may be an imposter – and maybe you are fooling everyone. But, if you are having fun, people are telling you that they like it, and are making money – is that the worst thing?
(Please note – this sentiment does not apply to politicians, doctors or attorneys.)
True. I should just accept it and move on. And I fully plan to. =)
The whole “Impostor Syndrome” idea is really fascinating. I’ve definitely been there—oddly enough, I feel it more often in my role as a mom (and I’ve been a mom for a decade!) than in my vocation as a writer. I guess that goes to show that we can feel like impostors in even the most basic, assumed roles. Maybe the feeling comes with a status change that happens suddenly, like my becoming a mom, or your relatively quick professional success.
I would like to suggest, though, that there is a wide, open field that lies between “impostor-land” and “success-ville.” I think, as a writer, I’ve been hanging out in that in-between place for quite a while—I don’t feel like an impostor, but I’m still very motivated and know there’s still much for me to reach for.
With that in mind, I don’t think you should tell yourself the impostor feeling is a good one that’s serving a purpose. I think you should work hard to just fully believe in yourself (sounds cheesy, but true), and be glad when you wake up one day and realize that you really, really do.
Kristin – as always, your comment just hits straight to the core. Thanks.
You are who you are. You are perfect as you are in each moment. There is no other truth. The rest is all comparison and lies, both useless.
Peace.
Thanks Daniel. Few words, but so powerful.
Jamie – Fabulous post!
I think we all have this bit on insecurity in us, even when we subconsciously know that we’re doing okay. I personally find it hard to accept whatever success I have at work because my very first job out of college, I had a crazy boss who constantly belittled my work and me. I don’t know if I’d say it damaged me, but it did do a number on my self-esteem and even now, years later, I find it surprising when a boss or colleague tells me that I’m doing a great job and that they’re thrilled with my work.
In some ways, I think we sometimes downplay our accomplishments because we think if we acknowledge them, we’re somehow being egotistical and self-centered. It’s almost as if we buy into our own bad press. So instead, we head in the opposite director and begin to think of ourselves as unqualified for whatever it is we may do.
But I’m not sure believing in our own “imposter-ness” (just made that up, by the way) will be good in the long run. Wouldn’t it just be better to say, “yes, I’m good at these things, but I need to work on those?” That way, we’re still motivated to learn, to improve, to strive for something more but it’s driven by something positive, not negative. It’s a balancing act, like anything else in life.
Besides, the idea of “success” can be extremely subjective. When you decide that you’re a success, someone else may be standing by, ready to say, “not so fast!” If the definition of success is always changing, then it’s like reaching for the unattainable. But we keep trying, and that’s what keeps us motivated to keep moving forward.
Meredith – this comment was so insightful and you’re right about the egotistical thing. Sometimes it’s hard to talk about our success in fear of what others will think of us.
And, success being subjective is on target as well.
Thanks for giving me lots to think about. I appreciate it!
Wow. I had never heard of impostor syndrome before this post, but it feels kind of familiar. I think self-criticism is a really important part of anyone’s driving psychological metabolism, but I often let my own self-criticism drag medown – even when my boss is like “your work is great!” and I have a hard time believing her, even though it brings results. Off to read more about it…
Yeah, it’s strange. In some areas, I feel really capable and believe all the compliments. But, in other areas, I get self-critical. Maybe you and I should just both start believing it and not questioning it!
Jamie,
Another fantastic post! I think as entrepreneurs we all feel like this from time to time. However, when you do you need to figure out why you are feeling this way. Nine times out of ten you start to feel insecure because you start looking at other people.
I think your being too hard on yourself by comparing yourself to other people (this is a trap we all fall into from time to time myself included). Most of the time we start to feel insecure is because we start looking at others strengths and compare them to our weaknesses (real or imagined). This is not fair at all!
Plus, who says that you need a point of reference? Running a business is about what you know have to offer. Yes, you need to be aware of how your competition is performing, but you can’t let this consume you. If you’re too busy looking at everyone else—who is left to work on you? Keep up the great work and much success with your business!
LaTosha – thanks so much for you comment! It’s so true about comparing others’ strengths to my weaknesses. That is incredibly unfair! I had never thought of it that way before.
Again, thanks for this comment. =)
We all are insecure at one point in time or another, or for some of us always. But, we push on and hope that we are wrong. As an outsider, I say that you are amazing and can I have your autograph?
Aww. You’re so sweet. Yes, you can have my autograph. =D
Great post, Jamie! I think I know how you feel, and I think a lot of bloggers who are trying to “brand themselves” know how this feels. Because, really, we are all 20 somethings, and how much do we know about the world? To what extent can we really call ourselves ‘experts’? I know I’m not an expert, and I’m often shocked when people – whether it’s my friends or people who comment on my blog – think I know a whole lot more about human rights or international issues than I really do. I feel like an imposter, because the truth is I am just learning, and I’m just a student. I have opinions but in reality, I feel like I know nothing, and that there is so much more out there to learn. I keep reading about issues every day and I’m constantly learning, but there are so many people out there who are much smarter and more knowledgeable about these things than I am. So it makes me sometimes doubt myself when I put things up on my blog. Sure, it’s my opinion – but I know so little, so do I even have a right to write this??
But I think what LaTosha said totally is true…if we look at all the experts out there in our field, whether it is graphic design or law or writing, we will get overwhelmed. The best thing to do is focus on yourself and your strengths, and realize that you DO have something valuable to contribute to the world, and that it is worth pursuing something solely on the basis that you enjoy and love it. If you love something, you’ll become good at it. And you don’t need to be an expert for people to listen to you and learn from you, because people will learn from your experiences, and that is enough.
I already sent you a personal email – but I notice that the first thing I did when you were questioning yourself was say – no! Akhila! Don’t question yourself!
Seems like I should take my own advice. =)
This “imposter syndrome” is such a common insecurity. I think that entrepreneurs (as you’re beginning to see) run through many levels of insecurity, worries and concerns…this being one of them.
I think the bottom line is that you are doing design and have your own business. Self-taught shouldn’t stand in your way, and it’s really not, even if you feel like you could be an imposter. You take criticism and praise equally, so I say, let it keep flowing. People will always have their own opinions, but the bottom line is that THEY’RE not starting their own business or designing because they’re passionate about it and are constantly learning. That’s your path and no one can deny that.
For the record, I think you’re doing amazing and am excited to see how it unfolds. Failure isn’t inevitable, but it’s part of the process and there are people not as good as you and people better than you in whatever you do. I think we can learn from both groups…
Failure isn’t inevitable, but it’s part of the process and there are people not as good as you and people better than you in whatever you do. I think we can learn from both groups…
Grace, that’s beautiful. And true. Thank you for saying that, because you are so right. And, I think at one point in my life those two sentences would have scared me to death, but at this point, they are inspiring.
This is an amazing post and mostly because it’s something I completely relate to. I feel the same way about 80% of the time. My entire life I have felt that anything I was good at….I was faking it. I had no confidence in it. A good example was my singing. I got a perfect score (nearly impossible) at state level competitions and I studied opera for two years. I felt like an impostor. And everyone was going to find out someday that I really wasn’t a good singer.
And for a long time feeling like an impostor and fraud was something that hindered my success, but I no longer let it do that. I try to use it as a mechanism for challenging myself and to move forward.
I’m so surprised there’s a name for it. Now I know I’m not the only one. And Jamie, your posts really resonate with me. Your approach is so honest and it’s much appreciated.
Like you could fake singing! But then again, I should say the same thing to myself – like I could fake design!
Thanks for reading Melissa. I will continue to write honestly – as it stands, I can’t write any other way, even if it means publicly admitting I feel like a fraud. =)
Dear Jamie,
The very FIRST thing I wanted to do when I got here (via @chrisguillebeau) was send you a personal email and tell you I adore you using one of my favorite fonts in such a beautiful and creative way on your site. This whole design is gorgeous!
Although I took a couple of design courses, it was never a degree granting program, and mostly self-taught. I can identify significantly with the feeling of inadequate design self-worth. You know what? it’s kept me from running any semblance of a BLOG for 3+ years.
And look at you. You’re putting yourself out there. You’re blogging. You’re kicking ass, taking names, and doing some beautiful design work to boot. Perhaps most importantly, you’re being honest in this post, and look how many people are loving you for that.
A few years ago, a fairly well known designer publicly called me out (shortly after I started blogging) on his blog. I stopped blogging and kept my yap shut. Which, in light of what I know now about the value of his link back to me, was kind of dumb
I felt like such a fraud. I let his opinion of me define whether I had any right at all to ‘be’ a designer. *__*
I learned. Kept plugging on. I get good work these days, and our business is thriving. My point? There’s always going to be asses out there. There will be critics, and people who want you to feel like you’re a fraud. I’m here to tell, as one designer to another, you’re not a fraud. Your work is lovely. You have every right to be here, in this space, doing your thing and connecting with people.
Your work makes clients happy. It helps them meet their goals. That’s what matters. How can a true fraud consistently make clients happy and help their business grow? They can’t. The frauds melt away. And what’s left are people with value, like you.
Keep up the good fight, and I’ll be watching from your corner of the ring
And, you are one of my favorite designers on the interwebs. When I saw this comment, I squealed. I’m not really the squealing type, but I got really excited.
Thanks Reese. I sincerely appreciate your kind words – especially coming from you, a designer I admire so much.
I’d wondered where you’d gone – was pretty sure you took a day job. Well, I guess you did. Not being 20-something, I’m already way down in the pack of fans, slow on the uptake, slow on the response. But I thought I told you already, *I’m” the fraud ’round these parts! Don’t go horning in on my territory. I’ve got the copyright on fraud. I got that patent. Not worth a damn, though. Never has been. But then where I’m from, making money just guarantees the fraud, which just makes me stupid, or worse. Ironic. Take that! No, I mean, please, take it. It’s free.
Haha – yes, I have a job now so I can’t write AS MUCH. But, I will write still!
I’m taking it, thanks Lex!
whoops, damn, sorry, bad URL, still don’t get this stuff. My bad. Sorry. I should just keep my yap shut.
Congrats on entering the design world! If you are interested in broadening your “design sense” and expanding your knowledge, there are great resources for designers both online and off. I recommend getting involved with your local AIGA chapter: they usually have great continuing ed programs and visiting lectures. The archives at Speak Up!, Andy Rutledge and Design Observer are all great reading. To stay current on industry topics/trends, I recommend both Print and How magazine. For freelancing support, try Freelance Switch. Those are just scratching the surface, but should get you started. Hmm…maybe there’s a post here for me to write…
Good luck! (and PS: I had no idea my impostor-thoughts had an actual name…)
Lorraine – thanks for all the resources. I’m going to spend some time checking them out! Really helpful – I appreciate it.
That’s always the question, isn’t it?
Am I really that good, or am I just a legend in my own mind?
In the absence of tangible results from what you do, it’s almost impossible to answer that question.
Another part of the problem with the creative versus the technical, is that what is good in a creative sense is often subjective. Then comes the question, do I do this my way, hold to my creative integrity and perhaps become the starving artist, or do I bend to the public taste, compromise my integrity and become popular and perhaps well paid?
And here’s a final thought: The world’s greatest fraud hasn’t been discovered yet.
Then comes the question, do I do this my way, hold to my creative integrity and perhaps become the starving artist, or do I bend to the public taste, compromise my integrity and become popular and perhaps well paid?
This isn’t an issue yet with design, but it is with blogging. Do I compromise what I really want to write about or do I write for an audience? One of those means compromising my integrity and I’m sure I don’t need to point that one out…
The best advice I ever received was, “Do what you love, and your audience will find you.” We were speaking about singing, but it applies to any creative pursuit.