(I’ve never been one to fit in, really. My views are unconventional and for the most part, I just can’t relate myself to my life so far. Maybe it’s America, the town I grew up in, the town I went to college in, the society I’m enveloped in, or the culture that persists on being influential. Whatever it is, I’ve always felt a self-imposed ostracizing. Sure, I have managed to secure some incredible friends that I feel “get me” but, for the most part, I feel like an independent spirit just trying to find some sort of navigation, a compass that can actually give me direction.
I tried to find that sweet comfort in being accepted and welcomed into communities wherever I go. I make friends easily; this has never been an issue for me. But, somehow, no matter where I am, I’m always one foot out the door, a little weary (ok, maybe a LOT weary), and infatuated with the idea of reinvention. By trying to fit in, I have only managed to figure out that I don’t. And, that I don’t know if I ever want to be firmly planted anywhere, especially armed with an incurable sense of independence that I wonder if, truly, I’ll ever let anyone get to this elusive place of “in.”
As if there is a place deeper inside of me that I haven’t let people go to. I’m painstakingly, devastatingly, incurably honest. Usually, I’d ring this up as a character flaw, but have since decided to be happy I can rip myself open for everyone to see and, consequently, not fall apart. Knowing that the world will not end no matter how emotionally damaged I can become means fearlessness and what better armor to take on the world is there than fearlessness? There is none.
Traveling abroad is my way of gaining the best and worst of the world’s cultures, of understanding who I am and where I’ve come from. It’s a gauge of my flexibility and my ever-increasing desire for freedom and independence from whatever shackles a comfort zone or a life dictated by others tends to wrap around my wrists.
I’ve long wondered what the source of my anti-committal nature was. What had it ever served me? Why do I have it? Why, no matter how much time I spend exploring the depths of who I am, does it persist like a fly that just will not cease and desist? I wonder if it has all been a lead up to the adventure I’m taking on in less than a month, traveling first to Italy, then Monaco, then god knows where. I’m so ill-equipped for travel it’s almost ridiculous, since a sense of direction was not a trait that was bestowed upon me at birth.
I have no business traveling, really, in a logistical sense. But, in an emotional, spiritual, independent-seeking sense? It’s not only something I want to do, but as the date for my departure gets closer, it’s now a need, as tangible as the air I breathe.
I’ve tried to create some semblance of normalcy in my life in the past. Tried to date, to crush on boys like my friends did, to basically just be… normal. But, I’ve always come up short, made mistakes, failed, and became restless and irritable so quickly that it became a chore to even try.
People keep asking my plan for traveling. I don’t have one. I don’t want one. That’s not the risk here. The ONLY risk is not going. Because, I have a feeling that I have no idea what it means to really, 100% be alive. And, goddamnit, I fully intend on finding that out.
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I admire your courage into really taking the time to go abroad and finding yourself in the process. I think that would be one of my frustrations as well. I’m hoping to get this job in Spain and even if the description is very mediocre, I don’t mind it because Ill be a million miles away from where I live, and from there, I know I can build my independence and truly know myself better. There’s just a need to break free from the ’system’ that society has planted in us and really discover what else is there for us. I hope that you find what you’re looking for.
Great post. I cannot wait to hear about your adventures in Europe. And by the way, a sense of direction is not necessary for travelling – all you need is a map, a sense of adventure, and to not be afraid to ask for help. Getting lost somewhere foreign is something everyone should experience!
i m lookin forward to my trip to California soon.
just feel, it has been a long while to my well deserved break
Right you can delete the above fails^ Either I suck or there’s a problem with the href tag. Probably both. Anyway…
I feel where you’re coming from, and thought along the same lines until I read the following the other day. The book it’s from is Senaca: Letters from a Stoic. And the chapter that is very revelvant to this blog post is ‘Letter XXVIII’, page 75. Here’s the opening paragraph. If you haven’t read it already, check it out.
“Do you think you are the only person to have had this experience? Are you really suprised, as if it were something unprecedented, that so long a tour and such diversity of scene have not enabled you to throw off this melancholy and this feeling of depression? A change of character, not a change of air, is what you need. Though you cross the boundless ocean, though, to use the words of our poet Virgil,
‘Lands and towns are left astern’
Whatever you destination you will be followed by your failings. Here is what Socrates said to someone who was making the same complaint: ‘How can you wonder your travels do you no good, when you carry yourself around with you? You are saddled with the very things that drove you away.’
Of course, that makes sense for people who are using travel to escape.
I’m not.
I’m using it to explore and experience things I cannot experience where I’m at. Before I booked the ticket, I asked myself, “Am I fleeing something? Am I escaping?” When I answered no and BELIEVED it, that’s when I knew I needed to go.
Thanks for your comment!
From the tone of this post, you’re traveling because you’re unhappy and you don’t know what else to do. Sounds like an escape to me. Nothing wrong with that, but to rephrase what Jason said: Wherever you go, there you are.
This was not the tone I intended the post to have. Interesting insight.
I’m not at all unhappy where I am right now… I just feel like there is more out there. Maybe I could have explained that aspect more. Whichever way, I know that traveling is not the escape this blog post may have implied to you or the other commenter.
Thanks for your thoughts.
You can learn a lot about a person from the way they travel. This can not only be about a travel partner or friend along the way, but yourself.
You will definitely learn a lot, it’s not as though you haven’t heard that before, I’m sure. I think you will surprise yourself, which is even more fun because you don’t know what to expect. When people stay close to their home front (college, working/living, etc.) it’s hard to see beyond their location, friends and home. Branching out is without a doubt, one of my favorite pieces about life. I can’t wait to hear how it is. The tears, the laughter, the happiness, all of that! Vicariously I will be listening and remembering when I did the same a few years ago. Enjoy
Grace – I have a feeling I’m going to be Skyping you once I get settled in and worried!
Do it
I <3 Skyping.
I really enjoyed this post and can relate to a lot of your feelings (does that make you feel any more relatable? probably not
I like to reinvent myself because once I grow out of my shoes or my style I just love to start all over again. This freaks some people out (sometimes it freaks me out), but as I approach 30 I’m starting to just accept me for how I like to do things. I can self-analyze my chameleon, non-traditional self to death (and I do), but that just feels crappy. So I just try to find myself unique and quirky and weird (in a good way
Nice to meet you.
You’re going to have an awesome trip. I’m looking forward to reading about it.
I can relate to that noncommittal ambivalence. Johnny Depp’s Captain Jack Sparrow appealed to me because I, too, thought my compass was broken until I realized that I just didn’t know what I really wanted.
At any rate, you’ll discover lots about yourself, others, and the world, so you’ll come out a winner no matter how the trip turns out.
Love, laugh and live.
“But, somehow, no matter where I am, I’m always one foot out the door”
Yes, yes, yes. Me too. Omg me too.
Wow. Deep blogging. Everyone needs to live wide awake, finding how to is a different situation. Awesome blogging!
Was looking for Thesis stuff and came across this. Wow….don’t worry too much. Everything works out fine. You’re a good looking gal and thats one of the most important things in life. This’ll get ignored or flamed because…it’s true. Regards.
My Darling Jamie,
I know definetly you are not running from anything, you are exploring life. This constant rattle you have in your mind to find yourself is a life long exploration in it self, so give it a rest sometime. Everyone has good days and bad days and I pray you have more good than bad. Keeping yourself planted firmly on the ground and having good morals for your self will get you far. Like having a good out look on life, smelling the floweres along the way, wishing people well, ect.
Remember this saying:
Warm Heart= Happiness
Compassion= Confidence
Love= Loving yourself
I really don’t believe you are doing a soul seaching trip. That is hard to do anyway. Why don’t you slow down and really enjoy what life has to offer you. You should feel comfortable knowing that you are welcome in any house and anyone’s door you come across. The feeling that you are one foot out the door means that you are not sure you are welcome…but really you are, so put your mind to rest and know that you are so so very special in so many great and amazing ways. When you know things like this about yourself, the people that come in contact with you will surly feel your good presence. I wish you all the happiness and incredible!! travels!!!
Boy, can I relate! I’m going to South America to teach English next year, for many of the same reasons as you, Jamie. I’ll check out your travel blog!
“We shall not cease from exploration. And the end of all our exploring will be to arrive where we started and know the place for the first time.”
- T.S. Eliot, Little Gidding
Okay, so, Hi. I just started reading you like, yesterday, and I already thought you were moderately fab, but after reading this post, I am floored. Sorry I’m a little late in the game. I, too, bought a one way ticket to Italy (though it was in 2005 while I was a sophomore in college and I probably should have considered that I would probably want to finish school at some point), I too had a pretty full blown freakout (except it was somewhere over the Atlantic so it was a bit too late), and I too have never fit in, which has made me feel uncomfortable for a lot of my life, but trying to fit in makes me feel even more uncomfortable. I feel like I can’t stay in the same place for too long, I feel antsy, like I’m missing out. OH, and don’t even get me started on relationships. Anyway, just wanted to let you know, I hear ya. Also, I’m enjoying the new roommate situation. You and Nicole remind me of when my last roommate and I moved in together. It was so much fun and SUCH a mess. In a good way. Mostly.