THE TRUTH (People keep telling me to write for my audience. So, this is the majority of the truth I live by. Take it or leave it.)
1. Age is absolutely the worst predictor of someone’s maturity, intelligence, or general ability to operate with any sort of common sense. Related: At any given moment, most men are 20, 30, 45, 68 going on 13.
2. Love doesn’t happen when you’re not looking for it. This is a made up, fairy tale, bullshit, passive-aggressive way to view love. When love happens when you’re not looking for it or ready for it, it’s called divorce down the road, so yeah, watch out for that.
3. When you’re happy, people want you to be unhappy. When you’re unhappy, people want to cheer you up (but are probably secretly happy they are happier than you). The only way to actually be happy is to stop using anything external to determine your well-being.
4. Any time you get really nervous about doing something and want to crawl in a hole to hide, then that’s, 9 times out of 10, the thing you need to do (the scary thing, not crawl into a hole and hide). Unless you’re nervous about jumping off a cliff, then, dude, use your discretion.
5. Whatever you believe you are, you are.
6. Whatever you think you deserve, you’ll get.
7. If you learn something necessary. If you grow in the process. If you go on to make something better, more efficient, or useful. Then, you did not fail.
8. Most of the stuff you think you’ll use or want later will either end up in the trash or hauled around through every move. Your physical and mental being will thank you for letting go of all the baggage. Plus, moving sucks, why carry around all that crap?
9. As a general rule, people who do not completely lose themselves in music are not to be trusted.
10. Most of the things people say that are general rules are actually wrong. We’ve just never taken the time to challenge them.
11. The quicker all the “shoulds” get out of your head, the better off you’ll be. Related: The reason most people are unhappy? Terrible expectation management. Actively pursue the meaning of your expectations, question their legitimacy, wonder why you have them, throw them out if superfluous, and move on. Quickly.
12. If humor is not the number one thing you look for in the opposite sex, then reevaluate. The only thing that will keep a relationship together (and healthy) is being able to laugh at yourself and each other. It’s not always going to be lollipops, all day sex romps, and unicorns.
13. There’s really never a reason to lie. If your thoughts, motives, and actions are pure, then you’ll never have a reason for dishonesty. Ever.
14. Transparency on the internet isn’t about using a tactic, it’s about forcing yourself to live a life with nothing to hide (and to have a company without so many skeletons in your closet, you’ll go under if you get exposed).
15. Loving yourself is, hands down, the only way to universal compassion. When you love yourself, you can’t help but be loving towards others. If you are critical of yourself, you will be critical of others. This is a simple equation.
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Except for number 6, I agree with you all the way. This is probably your best post so far, one which shows how wise you’ve become Jamie. And secure, really secure, I’m amazed by your confidence.
Why don’t you agree with #6? I believe it couldn’t be any more obvious that what people think they deserve in life, they get.
You may be giving people too much credit in that you think that others believe they deserve more, but get less. So many are struggling with inadequacy; it’s not like most culture’s want people to thrive.
Your thoughts?
For me it’s quite simple, and you may have heard me say this many times before:
Life is not what we want it to be. Life is what it is.
Thoughts, desires, values, they won’t make things happen. Actions will make things happen. And sometimes not even that. Because, surprise, luck does exist. the amount of randomness in this world makes the whole concept of deserving too dreamy.
To quote Alain de Botton: There’s no justice, because the world is not perfect.
How would you ever know if the reason life is what it is and that your desires make no difference is because you believe your desires make no difference?
You can’t ever know if you get what you deserve if you believe you deserve it if you don’t believe that’s possible. Or, if you think what you deserve makes no difference.
I think circumstances beyond our control exist. I think we have a choice as to how we will interpret those things. I also think that if you feel like you deserve greatness, you will achieve greatness. If you think you deserve a loving, healthy and wonderful relationship, you’ll attract that. If you think you deserve a job that is well-paying, fantastic and exactly what you want, you’ll attract that. Of course, you need action to make things happen, but if your action comes with doubt and a chip on your shoulder that says, “LIFE IS SO UNFAIR” then you’re not going to go very far. Luck is a crutch.
Nice list! I’m on the fence about number 2 though. Because love doesn’t exactly come when you’re looking for it either. Maybe it comes when you become love? Then it goes in conjunction with number 15.
Oh, I love numbers 5, 6, and 12.
I’ve found that the people who take a passive view at love end up getting into relationships that are unhealthy. But, I agree… love doesn’t come when you’re looking for it either. Maybe you have to trick the Universe into thinking you AREN’T looking for it, but really you are. Sneaky.
I really like this post. I’m glad that you have certain truths you live by, and that you stand by them. Number 7 is my favorite because I’ve learned that the most challenging events and times in our lives usually teach us very valuable lessons.
I have to respectfully disagree with number 2. My boyfriend and I met when neither of us wanted a relationship, and I mean legit no interest in anything serious. We’ve been together more than four years now, three of those years at colleges a 5 hour drive from one another. So, I don’t think the concept of finding love when you’re not looking for it is BS. It may be uncommon, but it’s definitely possible.
That’s fair — there are always exceptions to the rule. And, I think that’s great. And 5 hour drive from each other? Man, that’s serious devotion! Congrats. =)
Loved this list Jamie. Number 10 especially, is a great point. I’m realizing that we all have a tendency to form a sweeping, lifelong belief out of one experience, or one thing we hear that resonates with us. A person can easily build an entire personal philosophy on unexamined beliefs.
I will jump on the “I don’t agree with number 2″ bandwagon though
In my own experience, looking for love is more likely to deliver a relationship that doesn’t work. I know people who cannot NOT look for love, and have never been in a healthy relationship (or healthfully single, for that matter). We all have different experiences though.
Hm. I may have to start rethinking my thoughts on #2. Wow, that’s quite a sentence. Rethink my thoughts. Haha.
I know people who cannot NOT look for love, and have never been in a healthy relationship (or healthfully single, for that matter).
I know people like that, as well! And, I used to be like that, but have since kind of conquered it, but am still very much learning in that area.
#2 is being re-thought, thanks to your comment and others.
Surprise – I don’t agree with #2. My fiance and I met her first week at college. I’m sure she wasn’t planning on meeting the man of her dreams *ehem me* at her first college party. The rest, as they say, is history.
Ha. Ok, ok, I get it… I’m rethinking #2!
Love the list. Agree with them all. 9 gave me a big grin. I figure if someone is immune to getting goosebumps or just straight up freak outs over certain songs without being intoxicated, they must not be all that happy.
p.s: this is my first comment to any blog ever. Penelope Trunk’s blog introduced me to yours from your post about quitting your job. So glad I found the blog world! I feel like I have so much to catch up on. There’s so many great people out here, huh?
First blog comment EVER!? I’m so honored.
Great people out here. Find your niche. There’s a community for everybody.
The amazing thing about number 8 is that when you release stuff, it frees up an incredible amount of energy for more important pursuits, like living, for instance.
Nice list!
Fun post. Ditto on #2. I met my husband when I was still dating my high school sweetheart. Not ideal, and certainly not looking. Oops.
Love #9. I can’t understand people who aren’t moved by music.
Love #12. The minute I figure out someone is funny, I pretty much have a fake crush on him.
Uh, I have a crush on every person that has ever said something witty. Ha. =)
I met my husband while dating my high school sweetheart, too! It’s the part of our “story” I try to leave out.
And Jamie, even though I wasn’t looking, I agree with #2 in that don’t be passive wuss about relationships. Know what you want and go after it. (I also think everyone is ALWAYS looking it’s just very surprising when you actually find someone)
Uh, yeah, Marie, you said it way better than I did.
How ’bout you write my blogs from now on? Please?
HEY Jamie
Stop giving out all of life secrets!
In regard to #2 – I can’t say one way or the other. I met the woman who eventually became my wife at a time when I wasn’t looking for it. 7 years later, we divorced, however the primary reason for that was because I trashed the relationship by turning it into a sounding board for my life problems at the time. I had lost my own identity and she / the marriage suffered for it. And all these years later, I still compare every new dating relationship to her. Except I can’t help, now that I’ve read #2, whether it was destined to fail. Who knows. Life’s mysteries.
As for #6 – this one is truly a matter of comprehending the underlying truth. For example, if someone is an egomaniac, greedy, self-serving bastard, that person could very well envision themselves deserving all sorts of things in life that from a spiritual perspective, they just don’t. They could believe it with all their heart and soul. Some of them reach their goals, and others don’t.
On the other end of the #6 spectrum, we are quite often subject to thinking we deserve things in life without understanding that we may not be ready for them, or that something better is waiting in the wings – and until we hash out the emotional, psychological and spiritual stuff that’s in the way, we won’t get what we consciously think we deserve.
Make sense?
See, that’s the thing with #6. Good or bad spirited person, if they believe they deserve certain things, they will attract those things. That “rule of the Universe” isn’t only available to be utilized by the good people, unfortunately. That’s why karma exists!
Also, just because someone believes they deserve it, doesn’t mean they get it the next day. From my experience and from what I’ve observed with people around me, this aspect of deserving what you get is especially apparent in relationships. People who have been abused by their parents attract abusive relationships, for the most part. People who believe they are inadequate attract partners that prove their inadequacy.
A couple of commenters, including maybe yourself, spun “you get what you think you deserve” to be positive only. That’s not the case. It is, in most cases, actually spun negatively. In that, I think I deserve shitty, unavailable and confusing relationships, so all I attract is shitty, unavailable and confusing partners.
If I thought I deserved better, I’d attract better.
On that point you are of course, perfectly correct.
When I first started learning creative visualization, and then applying it in my life, I started seeing how we attract what we believe in, positive or negative. Over the years, I have reached countless goals through visualization. And just as often, I have obtained negative outcomes, or “less than” experiences which have turned out to be from underlying beliefs that I had not seen or at least not been willing to acknowledge up front. And it was those underlying beliefs that got me those results.
How do I get a pic by my name!?
Go to http://www.wordpress.com and sign up
Number 8 is SO me. I’m such a pack rat, I swear.
Number 12 is definitely true. Every guy I’ve ever dated had to have a sense of humor. You could be working with a whole lot, but if you don’t have a sense of about yourself and life, there not whole lot I want to do with you, long term relationship wise.
Have you ever thought about rethinking #2?
Also, why do I have to memorize? Are you taking this post down eventually? Stop assigning me work.
You will memorize it FOR YOUR OWN GOOD, ERICA!
Good list. I love lists.
Beautiful love has come to me when I’m not looking for it. However, if I’m not looking for it it means that I’m content in that place where I am and the difference is that I welcome love in my life but am not scouring all the bars, friends BBQ’s and Match.com for a boyfriend. That’s looking for love and it’s hard to find. I think it comes to you and just happens when you least expect it. This is speaking directly from experience…
I really, really like #12 too. Laughter is the most important and always keeps life light, happy and fun!
Haha Oops, I see in the comments you’re “rethinking #2″ but anyway, that was just my story
Very insightful post! I too agree with rethinking #2…from experience:-)
I agree with all of your list. But for #2, if I’m not in a relationship… I tend to not actively look for a relationship. Or even if I am… I never look for anything serious because I want to know that I am comfortable in my own life and being alone. I always say, I’m not looking for anything serious, but if it happened I wouldn’t be against it. That’s my love motto.
Re #12, yes you’re right.
Married 19 years=
lollipops: cavities; all day sex romps: umm, no;
unicorns: well, yes – if the hallucinogenic drugs are consumed in the right combination.
p.s. – how’d you get so insightful
11 – it has taken me about 10 years of often doing what I ’should’ do (and strangely enough often being rather unhappy) to realise why I kept doing things that weren’t making me happy and that I didn’t enjoy. Personally I think that someone along the lines of rule 11 needs to be written above the entrance of schools – wonder if I’ll be able to persuade my new head teacher to my point of view!
I have to respectfully disagree with you rethinking #2. Sort of.
I try not to make it too much of a secret that I haven’t been in a relationship for over 10 years. No, I’m not entered into conventry, I just haven’t been intensely looking for something to happen. I date but haven’t met someone worth being in a relationship with past date 4 or so. I have a lot of great friends I’ve made from this, but no romantic relationshippey love “to show for it.”
Yeah, it occasionally makes me sad to have no one to share some of those special things with, but life has been pretty swell regardless. However as I spend the next 10 months getting ready to change not one but two of the digits of my age, I’ve begun to realize that meeting people might actually take a little more effort and more importantly I’ll have to work at being open to the idea of a relationship and loving someone.
I’m devasted. I so wanted a unicorn
Jamie, can you elaborate number 9. I dont see how you cannot trust people that are not immerse in music… people may have different taste in life; such as painting, sports, reading, etc.
Again thanks to my friend who has been trying so hard to make me break my shell and be who I am, I was trailed down in here. I agree with all pointers and I truly have faith in each one of them, until something weird and unexpected happens and I dont remember how it was suppose to be, who I am suppose to be and what my reaction should be.
I am a peoples person no matter how hard I try to pose I am not. A lot depends on the way they see me. I am not a bad person, never was, never can be and I am a judge for that myself and like you mentioned ‘Whatever you believe you are, you are.’ So I believe that I am the best that there is and yet I dont have the best with me. I need a commitment and I have been deprived of it. Yes maybe looking for it is madness and I should wait like they tell me for it to find me, but is that sane?
As you can see, I am so totally fed up!
It’s taken me a while to read this… and then re-read it… and then re-read it – because this post is truly awesome! The point(s) which stand out for me are :
If you learn something necessary. If you grow in the process. If you go on to make something better, more efficient, or useful. Then, you did not fail.
and
If humor is not the number one thing you look for in the opposite sex, then reevaluate.
Life is hard enough and the only way you can balance it out is to introduce a huge lighter side to it. Some of my toughest moments have been spent looking back at the silly mistakes which I have made, smiling or laughing at them (if they were that stupid) and realising the lessons which have to be learnt from it.
Thanks for writing this!
i so agree with u… nice list…. & lovely blog!
I found your blog thanks to Brandy at It’s like I’m mmmagic and want to thank you for this post. I want to paint some of your words on my walls…
Girl, you got real wise, real fast. This entire list is straight-up genius. ESPECIALLY #2. I couldn’t agree more.
p.s. I wanted to add to #2 since a lot of peeps are disagreeing with it– it’s not that I think you need to be scouring online dating ads and asking people out in the grocery store– that’s not what I mean. What I mean is that you should be doing the work to make yourself emotionally/spiritually ready for a relationship, and to learn what it is that you want in a partner and in a relationship. I think that’s a crucial step toward recognizing the right person when he or she comes along.
#3 and # 15 are the biggest truths of them all.
I’m also not sure I buy #6.